A Room in OLIVIA'S House. |
| |
Enter MARIA and Clown; MALVOLIO in a dark chamber adjoining. |
| Mar. Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst. [Exit. |
| Clo. Well, I'll put it on and I will dissemble myself in't: and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter. |
| |
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA. |
| Sir To. God bless thee, Master parson. |
| Clo. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That, that is, is;' so I, being Master parson, am Master parson; for, what is 'that,' but 'that,' and 'is,' but 'is?' |
| Sir To. To him, Sir Topas. |
| Clo. What ho! I say. Peace in this prison! |
| Sir To. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave. |
| Mal. [Within]. Who calls there? |
| Clo. Sir Topas, the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic. |
| Mal. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. |
| Clo. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies? |
| Sir To. Well said, Master Parson. |
| Mal. [Within.] Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness. |
| Clo. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst thou that house is dark? |
| Mal. As hell, Sir Topas. |
| Clo. Why, it hath bay-windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction? |
| Mal. I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you, this house is dark. |
| Clo. Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog. |
| Mal. I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question. |
| Clo. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl? |
| Mal. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. |
| Clo. What thinkest thou of his opinion? |
| Mal. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion. |
| Clo. Fare thee well: remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well. |
| Mal. Sir Topas! Sir Topas! |
| Sir To. My most exquisite Sir Topas! |
| Clo. Nay, I am for all waters. |
| Mar. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not. |
| Sir To. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were; for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber. [Exeunt SIR TOBY and MARIA. |
Clo. | | Hey Robin, jolly Robin, |
| Tell me how thy lady does. |
|
| Mal. Fool! |
Clo. | | My lady is unkind, perdy! |
|
| Mal. Fool! |
| Clo. |
| Mal. Fool, I say! |
| Clo. |
| Who calls, ha? |
| Mal. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't. |
| Clo. Master Malvolio! |
| Mal. Ay, good fool. |
| Clo. Alas, sir, how fell you beside your five wits? |
| Mal. Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art. |
| Clo. But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool. |
| Mal. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses! and do all they can to face me out of my wits. |
| Clo. Advise you what you say: the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble. |
| Mal. Sir Topas! |
| Clo. Maintain no words with him, good fellow.—Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas. Marry, amen. I will sir, I will. |
| Mal. Fool, fool, fool, I say! |
| Clo. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? |
| I am shent for speaking to you. |
| Mal. Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria. |
| Clo. Well-a-day, that you were, sir! |
| Mal. By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did. |
| Clo. I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit? |
| Mal. Believe me, I am not: I tell thee true. |
| Clo. Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink. |
| Mal. Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone. |
Clo. | | I am gone, sir, |
| And anon, sir, |
| I'll be with you again |
| In a trice, |
| Like to the old Vice, |
| Your need to sustain; |
| Who with dagger of lath, |
| In his rage and his wrath, |
| Cries, Ah, ah! to the devil: |
| Like a mad lad, |
| Pare thy nails, dad; |
| Adieu, goodman drivel. [Exit. |
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